I just completed going through "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. I am 47 years old. Even though on the inside I am a complete mess, I always try look cheerful by putting a smile on my face trying to look happy in front of the others.
Although I have realised for some time that I have issues with alcohol, this book helped me to deal with them. but strangely got me relieved to know I am not alone. Several problems in my life caused my misuse of alcohol and the usual reasons such as hereditary factors, and indiscipline does not feature. Growing up was difficult - my father was a serial cheater, my mother had no self pride and overweight, unpopular me was left to feed for myself on most occasions. Emotionally, I was totally independent.
Strangely, I took no alcohol in high school. In any case, I went to college at a prestigious school which prided itself on its academics....and understudies prided themselves on their capacity to party. At that moment my journey of experiencing a free youth's world began, I often behave inappropriately - I tend to got hangovers because too much drinking last night, I tend passed out, and occasionally having inappropriate sexual activities.
I figured the main path for a hefty young lady to have a sexual experience was to be plastered with similarly as smashed young men.
I woke up one morning, stripped in bed with some person in a fraternity house in Montreal..... I recollect and it is really a ponder I didn't get truly harmed, wind up in a doctor's facility or plastered tank or pregnant.
Then life goes on - I dated a nice guy, at the same time registered as a nurse and achieved a masters degree. On weekend we hang out together, occasionally drank wine together, and when I'm not together with him I would buy me a bottle for myself.
Fast forward'marriage, .two pregnancies, both during which I totally refrained, and did not miss it. Life progressed, I found myself getting older day by day, the nice guy turned into workaholic husband with anger issues, one of my child turned out got ADHD, I was really stressed out at that time'. I would drank almost everyday, usually on Thursday-Sunday.
My husband got addicted to a local "brew-your-own" so we had cases and cases of alcohol...and shortly a nocturnal habit to crack one or two... Privately, I started mixing my own alcoholic beverages and hiding the glass in my baking cupboard.
When I got home - I can only think about enjoying that drink'. Trying to mix it, keep refiling it until I fall asleep or pass out until morning, honestly I can't focus on handling household mess, I tried so hard to get my ADHD boy focus on homework, prying the other one off of his iPod. On waking up, I check my phone to see whom I chatted when under the influence of alcohol.
But there is more - two years ago I had a very serious emotional relationship with one of my son's friend's fathers. With a couple of hugs as the only physical aspect of the affair yet it was as passionate and exciting compared to most relationships with a lot of emphasis on a physical connection. I was on seventh heaven - all the time my phone showed a message'.oh the rush of feelings. Usually we exchanged texts late into night, at times in the middle of the night, while we were at duty.
Those were some of the most pleasant moments of my life. Soon the affair began to get intimate and suddenly out of the blues he ended it. I have been ravaged and mourning this loss'.and the drinking heightened.
Alcohol calmed my frayed nerves.
I feel so ashamed as I remember my past. The inebriated scenes:
Getting completely drunk last Christmas at a cocktail party
Blind drunk at my sister's 50th birthday
Fulminating messages on my iPhone
Shouting fits before my children
Punching my better half in the face
An absolute screeching clash one night when my son had a friend spending the night as a guest
I am in counselling which has been an illuminating realisation.....plus reading Ann's book and now finding out this website and reading related stories. I have a feeling that I am returning home.